Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. — Hebrews 12:14.

I hope.

I hope holiness means the striving for holiness. I’ve wanted it, holiness, ever since I was an aimless teenager. Today I am in my seventh decade and I know I am not there, not holy. I may have many delusions still, but pretending to be a Saint is not one of them.   I am many things but I am not that, not there.

Will then I ever come to “see the Lord”? How I hope so. How I fear not seeing the Holy Trinity, not arriving at the eternal Banquet with everyone I love. I reside in the terrain of Hope. Of striving, pursuing, of receiving Him in the Eucharist and failing and failing and falling again and Confessing my failings.

I believe. I confess to others my beliefs and my true opinions. I think I am always honest about my beliefs, in all things, earthly and heavenly. But I am not holy. It is hard, this striving in this world. I pray to die in His grace, His mercy. Or it would have been better not to have been born at all.

I pray for all, not only for myself. I pray for you even though I don’t know you. I pray for those I have known but have not seen since my youth.  I pray for those I read about. For those who have ever helped me (us) or hurt me (us). I sincerely pray for those I do not like, and for those who I am sure do not like me. I’m not always likable. My opinions have always gotten in the way.

But is this all enough? What does “enough” even mean? It is a repugnant idea. I flee from it as from fire.

So I am left with my cry for constant forgiveness, for His constant mercy. For His Cross, Holiness and grace.

I want to be taught. By Him. To be helped. By Him. The One I love and fail. I do not pretend or presume to teach. At most I presume to share.

We need to pray for each other. I’m not ashamed to ask your prayers. And to assure you of mine. SH